(music) Some days are diamonds (music)
(music) Some days are rocks (music)
(music) Some doors are open (music)
(music) Some roads are blocked (music)
(music) Sundowns are golden (music)
(music) Then fade away (music)
(music) And if I never do nothin' (music)
(music) I'll catch your back someday (music)
(music) 'Cause you got a heart so big (music)
(music) It could crush this town (music)
(music) And I can't hold out forever (music)
(music) Even walls fall down (music)
(music) You got a heart so big (music)
(music) It could crush this town (music)
(music) And I can't hold out forever (music)
(music) Even walls fall down (music)
(music) Yeah, they do (music)
(music) They fall down (music)
Cigar?
No No, I'm gonna wait till we get out there
You about ready to go?
Yeah, I am
Where's your sister?
He's in the bathroom primping himself
He thinks we're going to a fashion show, I guess
[Thud]
Come on, sweetheart
While we're still young
What do you think, Dad?
Have you ever seen such a good-looking head of hair?
Frank: Just get your ass moving, pretty boy
Hey, tough guy
don't want to start the first fishing trip of the summer
with a cigar, huh?
And you wonder why your breath stinks
and your teeth are green, right?
My teeth are not green, my man
Yeah, but they sure as shit ain't white...
All right, come on, ladies!
I'm not gonna have you start the summer off with your bickering
Come on, Mickey, let's go
Francis, your brother's right
Go brush your teeth, will you?
Your breath's disgusting
What'd I tell you, my man?
Frank: You know, I'm concerned for you, Mick
I think maybe it's time for you to get focused on something, you know?
Maybe get a job
Dad, I got a job
That ain't a job
That's an excuse to avoid reality
I think it's time you thought about settling down,
sinking your teeth into something, you know?
Something that'll give your life some meaning
Now, I'm not saying you gotta go work on Wall Street with this one,
but how about the fire department?
Or a cop, you know?
Something with some benefits
The way I see it is this
Ever since the hairy ass incident,
it's like you've been out of the game,
you've been running away from life,
instead of running towards it
I think it's a good time right now to turn around
and start running towards life again
You know what I'm talking about?
Can... Can I toss this asshole overboard?
Is that all right?
Hey, don't get that way with me, Mick!
I'm just trying to help
Shut up, Francis
But your sister's right
You need something with some stability
You know what, Dad?
I don't need any stability
because I'm happy right where I am
Big deal
You're happy
You're never gonna make any real money
Who gives a shit? I mean, look at you
You make a pile of dough, and you're miserable
What's that got to do with anything?
Hey, and I'm not miserable, OK?
I'm dissatisfied
That's what makes me a success
Now, Mickey
there's something I've been meaning to tell you
since you've been back
I think you did the right thing
The last thing you needed to do was get married,
especially to that one
The one thing you gotta remember
is this is your life, not theirs
You gotta do what makes you happy first, OK?
Taxi!
[Whistle]
Hey, what the hell?
JFK, please
Hey, how you doin'?
I'm... I'm good I'm good
What about you?
Where, um Where are you flying to?
New Orleans
Oh, you on vacation or something?
No Actually, my best friend from high school is getting married
It's kind of a funny story
Oh, yeah?
Yeah
Her sink was clogged a few weeks ago,
So she called a plumber
And this really nice guy came over to fix it,
and she ended up having sex with him under the sink
So, now she's gonna marry him
This is your best friend having sex under the sink?
Mm-hmm
It's good to know
So, what about you? Are you married?
Me? No
I mean I was engaged once a couple of years ago,
But it didn't pan out
What happened?
Nothing really
I just came home early one night
To find her and some guy passed out on my living room floor,
both of them completely naked
Oh, God
Did you know the guy?
No All I saw was his hairy ass staring back at me
But I think he may have been a plumber, too, actually
Well, what did you do?
You know, nothing actually
I walked out of the apartment, got into my car,
and spent the next three years driving around the country
Wow
Well, do you have any regrets about it?
Yeah Yeah, one
I should have taken my frigging TV with me when I left
How long would it take me to drive to New Orleans?
It's not that long
It's like 23-24 hours maybe
How much would that cost?
I don't know You could probably get a pretty cheap rental car
here at the airport
Well, what if you drove me?
How much would that be?
What do you mean? If I drove you in my cab?
If I kept the meter running,
it would cost you, I don't know, $70-80,000 maybe
$80,000
Look, you could come to my friend's wedding
I'm allowed to bring a date
Are you serious about this?
You want me to drive you to New Orleans in my cab?
Yeah Come on, please?
It'll be fun
I really don't want to fly,
and if I did and I died, it would all be your fault
And I don't think you want to live with that guilt
- My fault? - Mm-hmm
Wait, wait, wait
You tell me why you're so afraid to fly,
and then maybe I'll consider it
I don't like planes
Hi, babe
Hey
You busy?
A little busy
Too busy to maybe, I don't know, do it tonight?
Do what, babe?
Oh, I don't know, Francis
Why don't I take off my clothes
and you can do whatever you'd like?
Renee, come on You know I've got to get this work done
How about a little consideration, huh?
Well, how about a little consideration for me, huh?
You know, we haven't had sex for a while
You know?
All right, listen OK
If you're still up when I have this finished,
we'll do it, OK?
You know, don't do me any favors, all right there, Romeo?
I could just as easily go into the bathroom and use my vibrator
That would be a little difficult, wouldn't it, hon?
Seeing as you don't own a vibrator
Babe, what's the big deal with me owning a vibrator?
No big deal You just don't have one
OK Occasionally, I need sex
And for some reason, I'm married to a man
who doesn't like to have sex anymore
So from time to time, I like to pleasure myself with a vibrator
Deal with it
Excuse me? Pleasure yourself?
That's rich
And no, I'm not gonna deal with it
because you're my wife
We have sex like normal people in a bed lying down
We don't run to bathrooms
and masturbate like animals
with any frigging vibrators
Ah, well, maybe you don't, but I do
So if you don't wake up that libido of yours,
I'm in that bathroom in about 5 minutes
Or, hey, better yet!
I could go get it, and we could play with it together
OK, very funny
Listen, let's get this straight once and for all
We do not have a vibrator in this home
[Loud Whistle]
Do we?
[Whistle] Yo, Franny!
Francis!
Better go see who that is
Hey, Franny! It's me, Mickey!
I can see that What the hell are you doing?
You're not gonna believe this
I, uh I got married
Why don't you let us up?
I want you to meet my wife
What? Mickey! Congratulations! When did this happen?
Let us up I'll tell you all about it
Yeah, hold on a second, Mick
He wants to come up
Yeah, I heard
What's your problem? Let them up!
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
I would like to meet her!
Honey, it's late You're not thinking straight
Hey, Mick! We're glad you're living such a romantic life
The both of us, but, hey, some people got some real jobs,
You know, responsibilities Catch you tomorrow
Give me a call! Congratulations, though!
Hey, fuck you, you prick
Come down and let us in
Excus... I'm gonna let you into my home in the middle of the night
after you don't invite me to your wedding?
Mickey, don't listen to him
Of course, you can come up,
- And I'll send him down right now - Excuse me?
What are you talking about?
I'm gonna let this man into my home in the middle of the night
after he doesn't invite me to his wedding?
Oh, you're sick
Oh, I'm sick? I'm sick?
Hey, I'm not the one with the vibrator, huh?
Hey, listen, I find that thing,
I'm gonna mail it to your mother
with a nice detailed letter describing your perversions
OK, you know what? Go right ahead
Who do you think got me the damn thing in the first place?
OK? She knows my pain
Hope: Anyway, we were having a great time together on the drive down,
and I guess it was sometime after we crossed into Kentucky
that we fell in love
Then Mickey came with me to my friend's wedding,
and when we were dancing, he said,
"It should have been us who got married"
And I mean, I just ran over,
I got the priest out of the bar,
pulled him onto the dance floor,
and he married us right there
in the middle of the reception
Ohh Oh!
I want to get married like that
Mickey, do you have any other brothers
that I just don't know about?
Sorry, babe
Just Princess Kitty over there
I think you're stuck with him
That's it, huh?
Is this true, Mick?
What can I say, man?
I'm about the love
Obviously
I had no idea you were such an impetuous romantic
I mean, that's a pretty impulsive move you guys pulled
But, I'm sorry, when did you actually meet?
Wednesday
Ohh, today's Saturday
OK, so you were married without a best man when?
Thursday
Oh, so you had a full 24 hours to get to know each other then
Oh, Francis
No, I'm relieved, honey Aren't you?
I mean, I thought they might have rushed into this
Watch yourself, Francis, OK?
Yeah You know what, you guys? Don't listen to Francis
He's about as impulsive and romantic as a nun
In fact, you know what, honey?
I'm wondering why you actually didn't become one
So am I, honey
You probably don't know your brother as well as you think you do
He's actually very romantic
I don't think we need to go there right now Thank you
Oh, no Let's go there, by all means
Sure Mr. Romantic Mr. Summer Breeze
All about the Love
Of course you're right What would I know?
I'm just the brother who wasn't the best man
Oh, Francis, you're gonna have to get over this
Nothing to get over, hon
I'm thrilled Couldn't be more
Congratulations, guys
Romance is wonderful We all love it
It brightens the day
I just want to remind you
It don't pay the rent
OK?
Is he OK?
Yeah He'll live
(music) Now I'm walkin' (music)
(music) This street on my own (music)
It's right here
(music) But she's with me (music)
This is the honeymoon suite, huh?
(music) Everywhere I go (music)
(music) Here I found an angel (music)
(music) I found my place (music)
(music) I can only thank God (music)
(music) It was not too late (music)
(music) I can only thank God (music)
(music) It was not too late (music)
(music) I can only thank God (music)
(music) It was not too late (music)
What do you think's going on?
What is she, an illegal? Pregnant? What?
Maybe an illegal
She looks like she's from one of the islands
Yeah I was thinking the same thing
You know, I'm concerned for him, Francis
You think it'll last?
No shot You kidding me?
Poor kid
Never used up here
Always used in here
Just like your mother
I tell ya, I just can't believe
He did it without me, frankly
I should have been there
I should have been his best man
He was my best man
So, just for the record,
it is bad luck to have a wedding without a best man
Jeez, you're not crying, are you, Francis?
No, no, no! I am not interested in what they had to say!
I am interested in you doing what you're told!
Now, when you've done that, call me ba...
No! Have Ryan call me!
[Intercom Beeps]
Secretary: Mr. Fitzpatrick, I have Miss Davis on the phone
Yeah, yeah Put her through
Heather?
Are you OK?
I called the office this morning,
they said you called in sick
I call the apartment, you're not there
Are you all right?
Yeah I'm fine
How's work?
Work's fine Where are you?
I'm at Papa's
Who the hell is Papa?
Come on, Franny You know my friend Papa
Oh, Oh, you mean Carl the old guy
Listen, I thought we agreed we were gonna call him
Carl the Diaper-Wearing Geriatric, not Papa
What the hell are you doing there?
I slept over here last night
with him
You mean, you slept with him as in had actual
sexual intercourse with this... this animal?
Amongst other things
That's not funny
He's older than your father, for God's sakes
Francis, my father's dead
My point exactly, thank you
This is very... This is very upsetting
I think it's extremely important
that I see you as soon as possible
so I can show you the error of your ways here
Well, he's gonna be gone all day long
You could come over to his place if you want
I'm afraid I, uh, still have my pride, darling
I'm not gonna meet you at this old fucker's apartment, OK?
Well I guess you won't see me today then, will you?
OK
What's the address?
Well, I hope that cleared things up for you, hon
What?
Excuse me, don't even try to tell me
sex with Grandpa was better than with me
You're not in competition with him, Francis
Besides, one wasn't better than the other
They were just different
They'd better damn well be different
He's an old man who can't control his bladder
and has to wear diapers,
and I'm a young stallion in the prime of my youth
But how was it different?
Just different Forget I said anything
No, no Elaborate
I think it might be enlightening to understand how
sex might be different with a fossil
OK, but don't get mad, all right?
I won't
I faked my orgasm with you
So?
I didn't have to with Papa
I gotcha
Come on, Francis Don't be mad
You wanted to know
No, l... I really didn't, hon
Don't pull this jealous bullshit with me, OK?
I can sleep with whomever I want
Remember? I'm not the one that's married
You are
You really had an orgasm with him?
Pardon my asking, Tom, but how old are you?
68
You know, I was just wondering,
more out of curiosity than anything,
if a guy your age can still have sex
Only when the wife gives me the OK
So, you can still perform then if she says so?
Sure
As a matter of fact, my wife tells me
I'm better now than when I was in my 20s
Great
That's terrific, Tom
Hey, so, um, this apartment of ours,
how long have you lived there?
Almost two years Isn't it great?
Yeah, it is It is
It's a little small though, you know?
But it's cozy
- Cozy? - Yeah
You know, it's funny
When I took a shower this morning, though,
there was no hot water so I wasn't too cozy
Oh, yeah I forgot to tell you
We never have hot water on the weekends
Really? Great
You know, there's a big hole in the ceiling in the bathroom, too,
because this morning, it was funny,
I was brushing my teeth, I had a nice view up some guy's boxer shorts
That was real nice
That's Jim You'll have to meet him
He's a good guy
Oh, is he? Yeah? Jim's a good guy? Good Good
Well, I guess if I'm gonna be looking at his pecker every morning,
he may as well be a good guy
I better get going This is where I work
Yeah? Right here, huh?
You know, it looks actually like it might get
a little chilly in there,
seeing as you're standing here practically naked
I could run home, you know, and get you a nice big down jacket
or a sweatsuit or something, you know?
'Cause that might help
I don't think so
I'll see you later
Bye
All right Take it easy
Bye
Hey, babe What's up?
Was that him?
Cute, huh?
I don't know
I mean, I thought he kinda looked like a real jerk
Well, thanks, Connie
That's real sweet of you
No, I'm sorry
I know, I mean, he's probably...
He's probably a really, really, really, nice guy
I don't know
Did you have to marry him?
Absolutely
So I guess you're gonna go to Paris with him instead of me then
Well, we really haven't discussed that yet, but
Does... Oh Oh, well, it's nice to see
you're being upfront and honest
at the start of the relationship That's good
Hey, I've only known him a week
I haven't had a chance to tell him my life story yet, all right?
Gimme a break
No No, I understand I understand
However, it'll just be interesting to see
how a cabdriver from Brooklyn
feels about moving to Paris, that's all
I mean, he'll probably be fine with it
No big deal He'll just move to Paris with you
It'll never last Believe me
Nightmare when they get to know each other
Maybe they were made for each other
Those things can happen, you know
Carol and I met right here at the beach club in 1963 by the pool
That's right
On a Friday morning
By Saturday night, I had her in the dunes
- Oh, Jesus! - Carol: Jesus, Ron!
They don't want to hear all the details!
Come on
We've been together ever since
There's something to be said for that
All right! All right! Enough about the dunes!
So, what's going on, Franny?
How are things down on Wall Street?
- Things are good - Things are good?
You're a 25-year-old kid, you make a half a mil a year
I'd say things are better than good
I hate to spoil the illusion, Ron,
but I don't make that kind of money
Oh
Oh, Francis, do me a favor, please?
Don't bullshit a bullshitter, OK?
And by the way, it's been a while
since you gave your favorite father-in-law a nice inside tip
Yeah, and when are you going to set me up
with some of your rich friends?
Excuse me, you guys
My husband has some ethics, OK?
He's not some sort of cheating sleazebag
Right, babe?
What's the matter?
You don't want to share the wealth anymore, kid?
It's not the only thing he don't want to share anymore
Mom, would you please?
Carol: What? What?
You getting greedy in your old age, Fran? Huh?
You know, it's really nice to come out here and see you guys on the weekends
I mean, it's a wonder we don't do it more often
- Honey! - Hey! Hey!
Don't be getting sarcastic on us, young lady
We're your parents,
and therefore, you're in no position to approve or disapprove
of what we say or do, you understand?
Carol: Right! He's right, right, right!
Really? Really?
Well, my analyst is just going to have a field day
with that little bit of psychosis
If you two lunatics will excuse me,
I'm gonna go play some tennis
Her analyst?
[Sighs] Don't ask
Macrocom
I'll call you Monday
Hey, babe
I'm gonna go to work now, all right?
OK You love me?
Yeah Yeah Of course I do
Good, 'cause I love you
Bye
All right Take care
Thanks a lot
75th and Madison, please
So, 75th and Madison, huh?
That's a pretty swanky address
Excuse me?
My God Mickey?
Yep
What are you doing?
I'm... I'm in shock is what I'm doing
What are you doing?
I'm going home
What about you? How you been?
You know, I've been good
Good
Everything's all right?
Yeah Yeah Everything's fine
So, what about you?
You look like you must finally be making some decent money
You know Still on Wall Street
Not making as much money as I'd like
Yeah, well, you were never easy to please, right?
So, you know, you married yet?
No He hasn't asked just yet
Oh, really, huh?
Not that hairy ape who was sprawled out on my carpet, I hope
No Not him
Yeah, well, I can't say I blame you
I mean, from what I did see of him, he wasn't too pretty
A little on the furry side
So, who's the prospective husband?
Anybody I know?
No I don't think so
He and his friends have real jobs
Yeah Right
From anyone else, I would take that as an insult,
But, you know, you seem to forget the fact
that I know how you put yourself through college
Somebody had to pay for my education, sweetheart
Had to bring that up, right?
An eye for an eye
OK, I've made up my mind
I can't go through with this
If you're gonna take the television,
I think it's only fair
that you give me back the watch
I mean, it is the watch I gave you, right?
Yeah Yeah it is
But, uh, like you said, the watch was a gift,
and the TV wasn’t
If I recall correctly,
I did pay for part of the television
I mean, it's not like
you could afford it on your own
OK
You want the watch? You can have the watch
Doesn't really mean that much to me anyhow
It's not the watch I want, Mickey
Yeah
Why don't we just
give that a break already, OK, Heather?
Give it a break
You mean to tell me that you actually
came up here for the television?
Yeah Yeah, I did
Why do you think I came up here?
You are so full of shit
Yeah? How do you figure that?
You can honestly say that you don't ever think of me anymore?
Yeah, sure Of course, you know, I think about you
I think, you know,
what could have possibly possessed you
to take that dirtbag home to my apartment
Come on, Mickey
We both knew the relationship was over before that
I wanted a career, and you wanted
Who the hell knows what you wanted?
Did you ever figure that out?
Yeah, you know what, as a matter of fact, I did
Oh, that's right Your brother told me
You got married
What do you mean, "my brother"?
Since when do you speak to Francis?
Well, you know, he and his friends have real jobs,
So occasionally I run into him
Yeah, well, you know, it's, uh,
it's a shame he's married
You two probably would have hit it off
Maybe Anyhow, I'm just sorry that, you know,
you had to find out the way that you did
I would have liked to have been friends
Friends? Really? Yeah
Well, you know what, Heather?
I don't think that would have worked, actually,
Because, see, I got this thing
And, uh, I try and keep the number
of friends who, like, lie and cheat to me to a minimum
Please, Mickey
Put your fucking sanctimonious bullshit to rest already
Hey, I'm sorry
I guess that fact, that, you know, um,
I've always tried to behave like a decent human being
has rubbed you the wrong way, hasn't it?
Yeah, but look where your decency's gotten you
You're the only English-speaking white guy
driving a cab in New York
That should tell you something
You know what, Heather?
I've got to imagine
it beats sucking dick for a living, though, huh?
Depends on whose dick it is
Hey, Jim
Hello, Mick
How you hanging, man?
Hanging fine Thanks, Mick
[Baby Crying]
Oh, hey, babe
Hey
Frigging hot in here today What happened?
Yeah I know
We lost our electricity again, so
Oh, really? Again? Great
You know, I really love this place It's great
Just grab a beer if you want to cool off
Well, you know what, Hope? L...
I don't mean to point out the obvious,
but, uh, usually the fridge doesn't work
if there's no electricity
How is it?
It's good It's really good
It's got a nice warm-piss quality to it, you know?
Oh, you're in a good mood, huh?
So what's with the TV?
Oh, yeah You like it?
I figured we needed a TV
Yeah, I know It's fine,
but where'd you get it?
I, um, it's funny you should ask
l... I picked up uh, Heather in my cab today
And I told you she had the TV,
so, you know, basically I told her I wanted my TV back
Oh, really?
And then what happened?
Well, I went to her apartment,
I got the TV, and I carried it out
You were up in your ex-fiancee's apartment today?
How was that?
Was it fun?
What are you doing, huh?
I went up there for the TV That's it
Are you mad at me?
No
Hey, come on, Hope, all right?
I mean, enough
Hey Hey
You know, if there's one thing you don't have to worry about,
it's that, all right?
Yeah I know
I'm allowed to get a little jealous sometimes, aren't I?
No No I'm... I'm a good guy
Yeah, right
I've heard that song and dance before
So
she have a nicer apartment than us?
Well, you know,
she's got electricity, so that's, you know, that's kind of nice
I'm jealous of them
Don't be Please
Listen, he's a cab driver
She's a waitress
They live in a fourth-floor walk-up with no electricity, OK?
Yeah, but do you see
how they're always all over one another?
Bet they have sex all the time
Does he ever tell you stuff like that?
What? Granted, this man is my brother, but I do not ask him
how often he's having sex with his girl
I mean, what kind of numbers we talking?
Like five, six?
Seven times a day?
Listen, I'm not telling you anything, OK?
Bet it's a lot
Remember how much we used to do it
when we first got married?
Yeah, sure
But, honey, you know everyone's like that when they first meet
Then you get into a groove You slow down
It would be impossible to keep up that level of intensity
for an extended period of time
I mean, you'd hurt yourself
That's why your back's all fucked up, huh?
You're doing her, what, around the clock?
What kind of sick degenerate are you, OK?
This is my wife you're talking about
I think we have a problem with our sex life
Listen, no, we don't
Unlike those two animals, we have real jobs and responsibilities
We don't have all day to rub up against each other
Our sex life is fine, believe me
Francis, I cannot remember the last time
I saw your penis
What? Excuse me
What kind of language is that?
We're in a public street here
Maybe we should get some of those
sex improvement tapes, you know?
Or I could get some of that stuff
from Victoria's Secret
Maybe that would help
Honey, would you stop talking about this
'cause you're depressing me, OK?
I told you, it's...
It's a down cycle, that's... that's all
What?
You're not familiar with the down cycle?
No No No
Wh-What exactly is the, uh,
the down cycle?
You know, in a relationship
you got ups, downs
Sometimes you do it a lot...
you know, like you're doing
Other times, you know, Not at all
Ups and downs
Down cycle
I feel for you, man
You're a... You're a sick individual,
and you need help
Well, you know, I think maybe we should talk
about our apartment situation
Why? You don't like our apartment?
No, no, no It's not that at all
I mean, I like the fact
that we never have electricity and hot water,
and, I mean, I love the pink walls, you know that
I'm just thinking
I don't know, maybe it's,
like, maybe a little too small for two people
Yeah, I know, but there's a chance
we'll only be there another month,
and then we might be moving to Paris
Whoa, whoa, whoa
What do you mean we might be moving to Paris?
Why would we ever move to Paris?
'Cause I might be going to school there in the fall
- This is Paris, France, you're talking about? - Yeah
The... The country in Europe where they hate Americans?
That's not true They just don't like stupid Americans
You know, Hope, I think unfortunately
I would probably fall into that category,
so, wh-when do we find out about this?
I mean, this is a fairly important
development in our life, don't you think?
I should find out if I get in this week
Really? That's great Great Terrific
You know, thanks for letting me in on this
I, uh, I really appreciate it
You know, Mick, maybe your brother's right
This would be the perfect time
for you to run towards life
You think this is something
your little wife had in mind?
Don't joke about that
She's still my wife
All of a sudden, he's got a conscience
Listen, I think it's time we started discussing our future
What about this? Do you think she'd like this?
Listen, I'm serious about this
We have to decide where this relationship is going
Obviously, It's not going anywhere, now, is it, Francis?
No Obviously, you don't understand
This relationship has to reach the next level,
and we, as a couple,
have to decide what that next level is
Why the sudden urgency?
Well, for one thing
I don't like the fact that
you have sex with a geriatric
Well, how do you think I feel
about you going home and seeing your wife every night?
I haven't had sex with my wife in months
Well, I don't know if that's such a good idea, Francis
Clearly, you need the practice
You know, Francis
you're afraid to ask her for a divorce
Why don't you just have sex with her in the meantime?
Dad, I'm in love with another woman
I don't think it would be fair
to have sex with Renee
Let me get this straight
You don't want to cheat on your girlfriend with your wife?
Yeah I guess so
Jesus Christ, Francis
You sure I'm your father?
You know, I'm gonna have to double-check with your mother on this
Come on, Dad
I'm serious
How do you think Mom will take it?
She's gonna be devastated
She's been up at that goddamn church every morning
praying for your brother
Then she tells me yesterday
I spend too much time on the boat
Well, I don't even want to get into that discussion
Now you're gonna get divorced
Christ
She'll be up there with Father John 24 hours a day
Thanks a lot, buddy
I'm probably going to have to start
making my own breakfast again
I'm sorry if my divorce interferes
with your breakfast plans, Dad
Hey, don't get all sensitive on me now, Barbara
You know, all your life
you've always wanted to screw
every good-looking skirt who walked by
Now you're making all this money,
you're probably finding you can have
at least half of them
Come on, Dad
What have you been telling me my whole life?
I gotta do what makes me happy first, right?
Besides, it's normal male behavior, right?
We can't control
millions of years of evolution
You know... You know what it's like, really?
It's just like you... you've been driving
a '74 Buick your whole life
Then suddenly,
you find yourself behind the wheel of a brand-new Porsche
How do you go back to the Buick?
Yeah
I guess you can't
You know what, Dad?
I'm really doing this for Renee
I'm sure she's gonna be really thrilled
Thank you
Thanks
Hope: Happy anniversary
You really enjoyed that, didn't you?
They were fun, weren't they?
Yeah No, they were They were a lot of fun,
but they were also a $12 fare, you know?
Oh, they were sweet It was their anniversary
Well, I'm very happy for them, but you know what?
They looked like they could afford to pay 12 bucks,
whereas we, on the other hand, cannot
I'll pay the $12, Mr. Cheapo
Oh, really Oh
And do you happen to have this $12
on you by any chance?
No Not right now
I'll give it to you later
Great Great Listen, you gotta do me a favor
You know, I don't mean to sound like a jerk,
but next time you ask to come to work with me,
remind me to say no
And all this time I thought you were romantic
I am I am a romantic
But you know what it is?
As long as it doesn't interfere
with paying the rent on time
Mick, I would rather live in the back of this cab
than let something like rent
get in the way of our romance
what do you have to say to that?
OK OK
When you're right, you're right
Sure
But you know, speaking of backseats,
I do know a little place
where we could park and maybe, you know,
put this backseat theory of yours to the test
Yeah?
Yeah
Let's go
Oh, my God
Yeah
She's been with her sister all day
Hold on I think this is her
Shit
Listen, I'll, uh, I'll call you later
Hi, honey Who was that?
You know, uh,
what's-his-face from work
Oh You've talked to him a lot lately
Anyhow, your old Scott from college
was talking to my friend Nicole
You know her I went to camp with her sister Patty
Right I know Nicole
She went to BU with Scott's brother David
Well, anyhow, he was telling her
that his divorce was just finalized
Ohh
W-Who got divorced?
You know, Scott Sherman
Yeah He caught his wife
boning her dentist in the shower
"Boning"? That's charming
Oh Oh This is fatso
Four-eyed, greasy-haired Scott?
The computer geek tapping on the keyboard there
He was not that fat
He was a 300-pound sack of shit, hon
Maybe to you that's not fat,
but, uh, what the hell?
You loved the animal
Oh, that's really nice
And he was not 300 pounds
He was slightly overweight,
that's all, right?
Renee, his tits were bigger than mine
All right, all right,
so he wasn't so skinny,
but he was a very smart, really sweet guy,
which is a hell of a lot more
than I can say for the two of you
You better be sweet, you weigh 500, huh?
What is your problem with Scott?
He's just a shy, harmless guy
Do you have to be in competition with everybody?
Well, you know what, hon?
If he's such a fucking sweetheart
and I'm such a creep,
why didn't you marry the fat pig?
I don't know If I'd known
you were going to turn into such an asshole,
maybe I would have
Well, fat or not,
guess who's got his phone number?
You? You have Scott's phone number?
Well, you're not going to call him
Of course I am
What, you think you're the only one who's gonna marry rich?
I need somebody to pick up
My Bergdorf bills, too, sweetheart
Wh-Where are you from? What do you know?
You're my sister
There's supposed to be an honor code between siblings
I mean, you do not date
your sister's ex-boyfriend
Honey, let her go out with him
What the fuck is the big deal, anyway?
Unless you, uh,
still have feelings for the yard ape
No It has nothing to do with that, OK?
This is... This has to do with respect
That's all: Respect
A word that the two of you
obviously are not very familiar with
My friend Connie doesn't think we'll last another month
Why would she say something like that?
She thinks you're a jerk
Why does she think I'm a jerk?
I don't even know this person
'Cause you haven't said yes to Paris yet
Yeah Well, you haven't been accepted yet either, have you?
Well, I also told her about your brother and father
and those weird fishing trips you guys take
Hey, don't go bashing the fishing trips, all right?
I mean, that's a family tradition
Those trips are sacred
You don't think it's weird
that your mom never goes on the boat?
Listen, my dad has a rule
No women on the boat
You don't think that's a little strange, Mick?
I mean, yeah, it's strange,
but that's the way my dad thinks, you know?
He's from the old school
OK So what's Fran's excuse?
Franny, you know, Franny... Franny's got some issues
Yeah I'd say so
What are you doing getting me gifts?
You don't have to give me anything
It was nothing
Do you like it?
Yeah, of course
l... I love it
Hey, what happened to, uh, the TV?
What, your brother didn't tell you?
My brother?
Tell me what?
It was his TV
He came up here and got it
My brother?
Your ex-fiancé was up in this apartment?
When was this?
I don't know A few weeks ago
Picked me up in his cab
You didn't want to share this with me?
Jesus, Franny, since when do I
have to tell you anything?
Wait, wait, wait
So my brother came into
your bedroom and
took a TV?
That's it?
No actually, I tried to get him in bed,
but he wasn't interested
That's very funny
You know, he's married now
Picked up some
psycho waitress, and, like,
married her in his cab
or some shit like that
I know, you told me
Sort of surprising move coming from Mickey, don't you think?
It would have been nice to see some of that impulsiveness
when we were together
What the fuck does that mean?
Nothing
[Knock On Door]
Hey, Fran What are you doing here?
What, can't come by and see my big bro?
Yeah, sure
Jesus Christ
What a fucking dump
Hey, uh, like the pink walls, though
Finally, uh, comfortable with that part of yourself, huh?
You can't just come in, sit down,
and keep your mouth shut, right, moneybags?
That would just be too difficult for you, huh?
I'm sorry
Forgot Mr. Summer Breeze is so "sensitivo"
Hey, I like the, uh,
like the TV
How'd you... How'd you swing that one, man?
I thought that you two were broke, or
Yeah Yeah, we still are, but, um
you actually won't believe this
I picked up, uh, Heather
in my cab, and, you know, we got to talking,
and she said she still had my old TV
So I, you know, I went up to her place
and, uh, you know, took it
It's kind of strange seeing her again, you know?
So you went back and took your TV?
Well, you see it sitting there, don't you?
You didn't feel like a loser?
Wh-Why would I feel like a loser?
Oh, I don't know, uh, three years go by,
and you scurry back for a TV?
I mean, it's like,
admitting you're a failure
and you can't afford a new TV
How the hell do we have the same blood
pumping through our veins?
You really think I give a shit
what Heather thinks about me?
I mean, come on, Franny
So'd you you fuck her?
Did l... Did I what?
Well, you're up in the apartment Did you
did you put it to her? You bang her?
What... Wh-Wh-What do you think?
I'm some sort of degenerate?
You think I'm some sort of immoral skell
who cheats on his wife?
Listen, I don't cheat on my wife, OK?
Oh, so
so you didn't fuck her?
L-l-It just dawned on me, Franny
You haven't fully evolved yet, have you?
Mick, come on,
I mean, you almost married this woman
Then you're going up to be alone in her apartment to
get a TV
I don't buy it
What do you want to hear, all right?
I mean, do you want to hear that I had sex with her?
I mean, would that make you happy?
All right, yeah No, I did her
I did her on the kitchen table
We did it on the couch
We even did it on the frigging TV It was beautiful
I mean, I think you would have been proud of me
Hey, play all the games you want to play, Mick,
but I'm a man
I know what I know
Oh, you know what you know
Listen, you know, Franny, l... I don't need this shit from you, OK?
I don't need you to come over to my apartment
and bust my hump
Why don't you just do me a favor
and get the hell out of here, OK?
Sure, I'll
I'll do you that favor
Don't hurry back, all right?
Fuck
I'm sorry, Mick
See, I get so guilty about this fucking divorce
I shouldn't feel guilty about that, right?
No No You shouldn't
What you should feel guilty about, though,
is fucking that other woman for the last six months
That's what you should feel guilty about
Tom
if you were single,
would you date your brother's ex-girlfriend?
I don't have a brother, Mr. Fitzpatrick
But if you did,
is that off-limits?
I'd have to say that only the lowest of the low,
a real scumbag,
would date his brother's ex
There's a code between siblings
Thanks, Tom
Thanks
She's beautiful, isn't she?
Yeah Yeah, she really is
You know she got her acceptance letter today?
Yeah, I know She showed it to me
You better go with her to Paris, all right?
Because it's bad enough that you broke my heart
when you swept her off her feet,
and I am absolutely not
going to let any man hurt her again, OK?
Broke your heart?
How did I manage to break your heart?
I mean, I just what, when did I meet you, five minutes ago?
My heart belongs to Hope
I love her
You love her?
Yeah
Do you guys have some sort of special relationship
that maybe, you know,
I should be aware of,
seeing as, like, I'm married to her?
Maybe, you know
She didn't tell you about that?
No No, she seems to, uh,
have forgotten to mention it, actually
Oh, oh, no, No, no, nothing... nothing like that
Nothing
sexual or anything
Good That's a... That's a good thing
Um, but, who knows?
I mean, maybe one day if I'm lucky,
you'll let me share her with you
Hmm
Hey
Yeah Your friend Connie here,
she, um
she claims you guys have a
like a... some sort
of special relationship or something
Did she ask if you would share me?
Yeah Yeah, she
she asked about that
Well, what do you think of that?
Well, you know, I mean, to be perfectly honest,
the idea of, you know, two women
at once seems like, you know,
like a pleasant way to spend an evening
But you know, of course
not if one of the, you know, girls were my wife
You know, I don't want to do it with anyone else,
So, you know,
so, yeah No
You better believe you don't want
to do it with anyone else
But you and her... I mean, you guys actually never
consummated, you know, this love
that she speaks of?
No
Well, it does...
It does paint a pretty mental picture, doesn't it, right?
I mean, I hear it's very popular in... in Paris
You know, the whole ménage a trois thing is French, right?
Yeah Don't get too smart there, funny man
So, are you gonna come?
To... To Paris?
I don't know you... you're definitely,
I mean, you're serious about, you know,
going through with this?
Yeah
Yeah, well, then, I guess I gotta go, right?
I guess so
So you're really gonna move to Paris?
Yeah I guess it looks that way
Wow Well, I bet you didn't count on that
when you met her, huh?
I don't know, Fran, you know?
I mean, I'm
I'm starting to feel confused about this thing, you know?
What, are you kidding me?
I don't know You know what?
You know, it's like I don't even know this girl
I mean, she's got these weird friends,
she loves this dump we live in,
and now, all of a sudden,
she brings up this moving to Paris thing
I don't know, you remember our little discussion
about when I went over to Heather's that day?
Yeah
I mean, I don't know,
that's got me freaked out, too
You know, I mean, part of me wanted to hate her,
and part of me wanted to
I don't know, there was a weird connection, you know?
I mean, we almost got married a few years ago
Mick, come clean
You fucked her
Franny, don't start, all right?
Hey, Mick, come on
You're talking about a weird connection here, I mean
Wh-What, are you still in love with her?
No No, it's nothing like that
But what? I mean,
did she say that she's in love with you, or
No I'm just saying it was weird, you know?
Seeing her again That's all
I mean, it was nothing
Forget I said it
Yeah, I can meet you there
46th and 8th All right
Nice spot you picked here
Yeah, well, you know, I, uh,
figured it was safe
Don't flatter yourself, Mickey
I'm just here to talk
OK
Why don't we talk?
Well, I was thinking about how I, um,
treated you a few weeks ago, and
I just wanted to apologize for that
And for that night
Yeah, well
It's a long time ago, right?
I mean, it happens
So, do you... you think we can be friends?
Yeah Yeah, sure
We can be friends
And you know, I'm sorry, too,
about bringing up, you know, the whole, uh,
college tuition payment plan thing, you know?
Sort of fun seeing one another again, huh?
Don't you think?
I mean, I don't know if I'd call it fun,
but, uh, you know, certainly interesting
You know, I've been thinking a lot about you
since you came up that day, and
I don't know,
sort of thinking, uh, maybe things could have been different
Maybe we made a mistake
We?
Hey, all I did was come home in the middle of night
to find you and, you know, gorilla boy, in your birthday suits
OK So I made the mistake,
But, I mean, did you have to run off like that,
never to be heard from again?
Yeah I mean, what did you expect me to do?
Jump in and join the party?
No
I don't know
Maybe give it another chance
What... and... and
and break up this beautiful new friendship?
I'm not about to do that
Besides, you know, um
I'm married now, you know,
so
I'm gonna get out of here
Bye
Your mother told me
he's still giving you that down cycle nonsense
32 years your mother and I have been married
I don't think we've hit a down day, let alone a down cycle
Mom, would you just make him go away, please?
Yeah, really, Dad, that is disgusting
What's disgusting? That's true love, young lady
Please
spare us
I'm going to spare you I'm leaving
I know when I'm not wanted
Good Thank you
And, hello, could we please not talk about my sex life anymore?
Is that possible, please?
Oh, excuse me, but playing with a vibrator
does not qualify as having a sex life
Why does she know that I have a vibrator?
She's your sister
Look, honey, maybe you should take him to see a doctor
All right, look, Mom, don't start
No, it could be physical
Maybe he's having a problem with his
What kind of problem?
You know
Getting an erection
Mom, come on I'm warning you
It's possible
Maybe he's gay
All right
Francis is not gay
Molly's right
He could be You never know
He's always been a bit of a dandy
You... Excuse me
This is my husband we're talking about here, OK?
Listen, honey, here's what you do
You go and get yourself some of that Victoria's Secret stuff
It worked for us
If he doesn't want you then, maybe he is gay
Dad, look, OK?
My husband is not a homosexual, OK?
Yeah, but he's definitely under suspicion
What are you talk... What is that supposed to mean?
"He's under suspicion"?
Well
No! This is just a stage
[Vibrator Humming]
I'm sorry
I looked pretty damn good in that thing,
and he barely even looked at me
What did I tell you?
He's definitely queer
I know
I think you might be right
Call his father and tell him about it
He'll get it out of him
So, are you?
Dad, I told you
I'm in love with another woman
You're my father
How could you say that to me?
Franny, I just want to let you know I'm OK with it
If you are or you aren't, it's all right with me
I'll always love you
Thanks, Dad
but I'm not gay
What do you think?
Hell, I don't know
Renee called and told me the story
It sure as hell sounds like he could be
He says he isn't,
but you kids are all so fucking nuts, it wouldn't surprise me
I don't think you have to worry about it
If anybody would know, I would He's not gay
The kid wears cologne, for Christ's sake
Get the hell out of here
I mean, come on, Fran, you're kind of prissy, all right?
I mean, you like cooking, clothing, and furniture
And, I mean, you wear that frigging cologne, so, you know
Oh, that's brilliant, Mick
That makes me gay?
No, I'm just saying
some people might read you as less than straight
And if you are, I'm your brother,
and I'll always love you, sweet boy
H-Hold on a sec, OK?
J-just stop and give me a minute here
And look at this maleness
How could you possibly think I am gay?
Because you don't look at me anymore,
let alone touch me
How many times do I have to remind you?
If you mention that goddamned down cycle one more time,
I swear to God,
I will cut that maleness right off, OK?
It's just not natural for you to not want to have sex your wife
at least once in the last three months!
Whoa, whoa Why is it my fault?!
Maybe it's your fault! Did you ever think about that?
Excuse me?!
How could this be my fault, huh?
I went out there,
and I bought all that lingerie crap,
and you didn't even look at me!
Was I not working that night?
I'm sorry Do you remember this at all?
Maybe
Maybe you've got a problem or something
I mean, do you think you're impotent?
What?
No
Well, maybe
maybe you caught
some, like, disease or something
Oh, yeah That's it, babe
Syphilis
OK, Francis, look
Honey, if you're a homosexual,
you can tell me, OK?
I will understand I won't be mad
But you got to talk to me
Listen,
will you cut it out with the homosexual business?
It's getting me all skeeved out every time you say it
Fine You want to know what's wrong?
I'll just come right out and say it
Please! I would
I'm in love with someone else
I want a divorce
[Softly] What?
Since when?
Just a few months
Who is he?
Enough with that
OK?
It's a she
She's a woman
She's a beautiful, intelligent, sophisticated woman
Hmph
What does that make me?
I'm sorry, I didn't mean it like that
It wasn't a comparison
Listen, don't cry
I'm not crying
I'm leaving
[Sighs]
He's not gay
He's seeing another woman, and he wants a divorce
I need a cigarette
Well, I guess you can go ahead
and send her your vibrator
She's gonna need it
Ohhhh
Your father scares me
I don't think he likes me
Hope, I'm telling you he likes you, OK?
Just the other day, he was telling me how sweet he thinks you are
I don't know
There's just something I don't like about her
She's kind of stuck up, don't you think?
No, not at all I mean, she's shy with new people, that's all
I don't know
He seemed to get upset when I told him I don't talk to my parents anymore
Now I know you're being paranoid,
because the guy hated his father, and he didn't speak to him for years
What kind of a person cuts their parents off?
I don't know She said they were really mean
Don't give me that load of horse shit
Nobody was a meaner son of a bitch than my old man,
but I was there for him until the day he died
So he doesn't think I tricked you into this?
Granted, he thinks we're nuts, but he said,
"As long as you're in love, who cares what anyone else thinks"
You didn't give a shit what anybody else thought, did you?
You ought to hear what people are saying
Who's saying anything?
Your poor mother thinks you got this girl pregnant
She's just waiting for that announcement
Dad, I knew her for 24 hours before we got married, OK?
I didn't have time to get her pregnant
And your brother and I think she's an illegal
She's using you to get a green card
Oh, really? She's from Vermont
Vermont, my ass She looks like she's from one of the islands
Yeah Maybe Rhode Island
Hey, Don't get smart with me, wise-ass
You leave this to me
I'm going to get to the bottom of this one
Hey, Mr. Deluca
Hey, Mickey How you are you, huh?
Good, good
Fine Come to buy a drill for your dad's birthday, huh?
Yeah How'd you know?
Your mother was in this morning
She told me all about it
She's a fine-looking woman
Who... Who's a fine-looking woman?
Your mother!
She's beautiful Bellissima!
Your father, he don't know how lucky he is
Me? I'm not so lucky
My wife...
42 years of marriage...
she has no love for me
Ah, well
That's for another time
Hey, how you gonna pay for this?
Um, just put it on the old man's tab, all right?
You take care of yourself, Mr. Deluca, all right?
Fine
Nice to meet you
Ciao Arrivederci
Oh, hey, Mickey, Mickey!
Say hello to your mother, huh?
[Speaking Angrily]
No, wait, now
Wait a min...
Damn it
[Tires Screeching]
You really are a jackass, aren't you?
Dad, I had to tell her
You had to tell her in the middle of my birthday dinner
Now she's gone up to see Father John
She probably won't be back here for three weeks
You're gonna find my laundry on your doorstep, buddy
Why is she so upset? She didn't even like Renee
Hey, in case you've forgotten, moron,
as a Catholic, you're not supposed to get divorced
Yeah, you're supposed to live unhappily
and lie to one another for the rest of your life
Hey, wait a minute I don't give a shit what you say out there,
but when you're in my house,
you're not gonna start bashing the Church
What are you getting so upset about, Dad?
I mean, you don't even believe in God
Doesn't mean I stopped being a good Catholic
Excuse me
I need a moment
I'm gonna go talk to him
That's not a good idea, Hope
You had to bring up the divorce during dinner, right?
Hey, don't blame this all on me, Mick
She was complaining he spends too much time on the boat anyway
This guy's 60 years old
He wants to spend the rest of his life on that boat, he should be allowed
Yeah, what about Mom?
What should she do, sit around here and wait for him?
It's his life, Mick
Are you OK?
Yeah
I'm sorry about that in there
Me and the missus haven't been seeing eye to eye these days
Well
34 years we've been together
I guess things change
[Chuckles]
So, uh, Mickey tells me
you kids are moving to Paris
Yeah I'm going to the Sorbonne
How come?
For my PhD
Ohh
Yeah, you look French
Uh, European
Or, uh
maybe from one of the islands
Oh, yeah?
What islands?
Oh, I don't know
So, where are you from?
Vermont
Ohh
So you're an American citizen?
Yeah
Good
You know, it's funny
Mrs. Fitzpatrick... my wife...
she found out Mickey got married,
she was understandably upset, you know?
She thought it might be some sort of shotgun wedding,
seeing as we've never seen you before
So there's nothing you want to tell me?
No
'Cause if you are pregnant,
I mean, that's fine
You know, I always thought it'd be nice
to have a few grandkids running around the house
Thought maybe Franny and Renee would give me a few,
but that didn't work out
What about you?
Thanks, but, no, I'm not pregnant
Oh, OK
Ah, God
And you are an American citizen?
Last time I checked
Yeah, yeah
I thought so
Tell me where you got it
Why?
Francis, just tell me where you got it, OK?
I told you before It was a gift
Yeah, yeah I know that From who though?
What's the big deal? It's a watch
The big deal is it looks a hell of a lot
like a watch I used to own, OK?
What does that mean?
Just tell me where you got the fucking watch, asshole, all right?
I don't have to tell you anything
Listen to me, Francis, that watch on your wrist is my old watch
When I went to get my TV from Heather, I gave her the watch
Now you're wearing the watch
What I want to know is why the fuck are you wearing my watch?
OK
Heather gave it to me
Yeah, no shit, Dick Tracy
But what I want to know is why
Listen, Mick, it's a long story
I should've told you before
I should've told you before, but...
'Cause I didn't know how
Yeah, you've been having a lot of trouble lately with that, haven't you?
The woman I've been seeing
is Heather
My Heather
No My Heather
You're having sex with my Heather?
My ex-fiancée
That bitch who broke my heart
Francis: I love her, Mick
Mick: No, you don't
Yes, I do
Let's get this straight, OK?
You do not love my ex-fiancée
Can you understand that?
Francis: No You get this straight
I'm going to marry her, Mick
You... What the fuck are you talking about? You're gonna marry her?
You don't even know her, you fucking moron!
What the hell's going on here?!
You know why this skell is leaving Renee?
'Cause he's screwing around with Heather
the whore
Don't call her a whore
Hey, man, I'll call her whatever the fuck I want to call her
You're my brother, man What the hell are you doing?
What do you got to say for yourself?
Fuck him
I know why he's really pissed
Don't even go there, bitch
I should kick your ass for calling my girl a whore
Oh, now she's your girl You hear this?
Yeah, she's my girl
And I'm gonna kick your fucking ass
How do you like that, Mr. Loser-Cab-Driver-Can't-Afford-A-New-TV?
All right, ladies!
OK, let's take this outside Come on
I hope you realize how stupid you all look
You're grown men
You're supposed to be brothers
Sorry, Hope,
but sometimes this is the only way you can solve these things
OK, girls
Uh-uh I'm not gonna fight you, Fran
I know that, Mick
I'm gonna beat you You're gonna bleed
Don't worry It shouldn't take long
We got to do this?
I mean, with the gloves and everything?
What, are we in fifth grade again?
Oh, you should have thought of that before you called her a whore
He's right Now, come on
No punching below the belt, no kicking,
and, Francis, no biting
Let's go
May the best man win
25 fucking years I've been waiting
for the day I'd be bigger, tougher,
stronger than you
When you go down it's gonna hurt, baby
I'm gonna kick your fucking ass
You ready? You ready to be humiliated
in front of your new wife and your father?
You are an ugly bitch I pity you
Great punch, Mick
You always did have a great right
Come on, Dorothy
It's all over
Hey
How you doing?
Not bad
What happened to you?
I told Mickey about us
One punch?
It was a cheap shot
Hey, Hope, this had nothing to do with Heather, OK?
I mean, this had to do with me and Fran
You know, he's tried to turn our entire lives into a competition
That was just another way of him saying,
"Fuck you, Mickey I won"
Well, I don't buy it, Mick
Something else was going on there,
and you know it
Listen, Hope,
you know, I don't know what to tell you, all right?
I mean, that's what it was about
I'm gonna go take a shower
Does it hurt?
No, no
It's fine
Listen
I've got something for you
What's this?
Will you marry me?
You have to get divorced first, Fran
Well, yeah
Sure, but
Well, this will be like a pre-divorce,
pre-engagement engagement ring
Open it
Fran
you didn't have to do this
Come here, you poor little thing
So?
Why are you doing this?
Because I love you
Can I have some time to think about it?
Yeah
I'm not going anywhere
You know, Mick,
I got to side with Hope on this one
You had no reason to be pissed at Franny
Are you kidding me, Dad?
Hey, don't think for a second
I can't still knock you on your ass, OK?
Sorry But, I mean, you know what Fran was up to
My entire life he's been pulling crap like this with me
Let me tell you something You're no different
You wouldn't have been standing out in the backyard
with the gloves on if you were
And if you don't believe me,
let me refresh your memory
Little League You're 12, he's 11
He's pitching, you're at bat
He's got a full count on his big brother...
his idol
If he strikes you out, he's the hero
What does he do?
He throws you a meatball right down the middle
If you take it and go down looking,
you make Franny the hero
But you swing away
Hey
So
how we doing?
You tell me
Well, you know, I want to apologize for the other night
I think this whole thing is crazy and stupid
But it's like
you know
I'm... I'm a little confused
So, how's your friend Heather?
Wouldn't know
Well, look, Mick
I've been doing some thinking and, uh
who were we kidding?
We only knew one another for a few hours
There's no way that was going to work, right?
I mean, I don't know if I'd say that
It's just, you know, when you brought up the whole Paris thing,
it kind of threw me, you know?
I don't know
You're using that as an excuse
We both know what's really going on here
I'm leaving for Paris on Monday,
and I think it's best if I go alone
Um, you... you sure about that?
No, but
I've made up my mind
What did he say?
Not much
Did he fight for you?
No
Not really
Oh
What are you going to do about Paris?
You going to go alone?
Yeah
Hiya, Fran
Hey, Mick
What are you doing here?
What, I can't come by to see my little brother?
So?
So, what happened, huh?
Out of all the thousands of women in Manhattan
you just happened to fall in love with Heather?
Mick, that's not how it happened
We both work on Wall Street
We run in similar circles
Oh, Jesus Give me a break, Fran
What, do you think I'm a moron?
I'm your brother, man What were you thinking?
You just had to go after her, right?
It wasn't like that, Mick!
What is your problem anyway?
You're still in love with this woman?
Is that why this bothers you?
No, it has nothing to do with that, OK?
We're not in competition anymore, Fran
Look at your life, man You won already
You got the big apartment,
You got the nicer clothes
You're Mr. Big-Swinging- Dick-Around-Town
What more do you want?
Maybe he just wants to be happy
Oh, to be happy Really?
Oh, that's... that's great
Yeah, well, who am I to get in the way of this... What was it?
"Happiness"
Franny obviously hasn't told you yet
Told me what?
Your brother's asked me to marry him
Great
Great That's terrific
Hey, congratulations
Thank you
Hey, are you out of your fucking mind?
Don't start with me, Mick
I love her
Hey, hey No, you don't, OK?
You don't love her because she's unlovable
Oh, so you didn't love her now?
Yeah, I did, but that was a long time ago,
and I was a stupid jerk-off who thought he could change her
Yeah, well, I don't want to change her
That's 'cause you don't know her, Fran
Ohh Oh, I don't know her OK
Franny, listen to me, all right?
I mean
I didn't want to have to tell you this,
but if you're going to marry this girl,
there's a lot about her you should know
Drop it Because there's nothing you can say
that's gonna change the way I feel about her, OK, Mick?
Listen, Franny,
don't be so sure about that, all right?
When she was, um
When she was in college, she, uh
you know, paid her way through school by
You know, she was a
She was a call girl
What do you mean "a call girl"?
I mean, you call a service,
they send her over, she does her thing...
Whoa Whoa What are you saying?
Like a hooker?
No no, not like a hooker
She was a hooker
You are so sick, Mick
You would stoop to this level
You think I'd make something like this up?
Get the fuck out of here!
Because the only reason you're saying this
is 'cause you don't want me and Heather to be together!
No I'm saying this because I'm your brother
I don't want you to find out after you're married
I'm sorry, man, but it's true
She's a hooker?
L-I knew she was seeing some other guy, but
What the fuck?
Mickey, I can't marry a hooker
Hey, come on, Franny
It's not that big a deal
It's not like she's a hooker anymore
Not that big a deal?
Mickey, you're my brother
How could you keep this from me?
L-l-I got to... I got to get some air
Listen, tell her
T-Tell her I
I don't care what you tell her
[Door Slams Shut]
Where's Franny?
He, um
You know, he's not feeling so good all of a sudden
He went out to get some air
You told him?
Yeah, well, he is my brother, right?
Yeah, but you always said you didn't have a problem with that
I still don't
But, you know
if he's gonna marry you, I think he's got a right to know, right?
Yeah, well,
we'll see what he's really made of, I guess, huh?
[Door Opens]
[Door Slams Shut]
What the hell you talking about, Father?
She left this morning,
said she was going up there
I just came from the church
She isn't up there now
In fact, I haven't seen her at Mass for six months
Hey, john, better start mixing a little more water with that wine
She goes to the 8:00 Mass every morning
She's up there praying for the boys
Not in my church, she doesn't
[Glass Shatters]
Lucky I didn't kill that little shit!
So, what's with Dad?
He's half in the bag He's acting crazy
So, what happened today?
Mom left him this morning
She'd been going up to Deluca's hardware store every day
and
Ohh, I can't even stomach it
Screwing around with Mr. Deluca
Oh, my God Mom and Deluca?
Frank: Asshole!
That's disgusting
Dad goes up there today...
They're in a back room
You should have seen it It was ugly
Dad gave the guy a horrible beating
Christ
What about Mom? What? Where'd she go?
She went to church
to pray for Dad
Pray for me, my ass!
She's the one who's gonna need prayers now!
Man
Tommy, do I look as good as I think I do?
Very handsome, Mr. Fitzpatrick
How's the hair, babe?
Um
still there, sir
It's gonna be a good day, Tom
Good day indeed, my man
First day of the rest of my life
Making some changes, babe
Heather, what... what's going on here?
I'm leaving
No, forget that
You can't leave
Listen, I'm in love with you
I still want to marry you
I'm sorry, Francis
Here's your ring
I can't marry you
Why not?
Because Papa and I were married this morning
Wh-What the...
One day you say you're gonna marry me,
the next you're running off to marry the old man
He loves me
Of course he loves you!
You're a beautiful young woman
He's got one foot in the grave!
This is not because he makes more money than I do
No
Don't tell me this has anything to do with the sex
Certainly didn't help matters much
And you know what, Franny?
He didn't care about my past
Oh, he doesn't care about your past
Well, maybe that's due to the fact that
he doesn't know you were a hooker
He was my best customer
Thanks for the memories
You've ruined my life!
[Line On Speaker Phone Ringing]
Renee: Hello?
Renee?
Hello, Francis
What can I do for you?
Ahem
Listen, this is very hard for me to say
But l... I feel
Listen, I know I made a mistake
I know I've been selfish and thoughtless
and self-concerned
but I'm gonna change
I want the chance to do the right thing
I want you to come home
I miss you
I'm gonna pay more attention to you
I want the chance to make it work again
Will you come home?
I mean, come on, Francis
What do you want from me here, huh?
I don't think so
You know, a day late and a dollar short,
you know what I mean?
You know, and quite honestly,
uh, I don't think I could survive another one of your down cycles
[Dial Tone]
[Pop Music Playing]
Hey, Carol, what's doing?
Hi
What are you doing here?
I'm, uh
looking for Hope
She here?
No Mm-mmm
She's not
You know maybe where she might be?
'Cause, uh, I want to talk to her,
you know, before she goes
Look, Mick
you fucked up, all right?
You're a jerk
You broke her heart just like I told her you would
Why don't you just get out of here?
All right Um, do me a favor
I mean, tell her that I, uh,
tell her that I came by and, you know,
that I want to see her before she goes
OK?
And tell her that I, uh,
tell her that I miss her
Mick was just here
Well, what did he want?
I still say he's a prick, OK?
But
he did sound upset
and he did say that he missed you
And he said he wants to see you before you go
So maybe you should go by
and see him or something
[Telephone Rings]
Tortilla Flats
Uh, hold on a second
It's Mick's dad
Hello
I blew it
I blew it, man
I had the greatest woman in the world
and I blew it
Hey, you don't know from blowing it, pal
I had the perfect wife
I screwed it up
No, you didn't, man
I had the perfect wife
But you're right,
you did screw it up for me
So, thanks I owe you one
You know what, Mick?
If you really think about it,
all this is, uh
entirely your fault
Oh, really?
How do you, uh
How do you figure that?
Well, if you never, uh,
met and got involved with Heather
where would we be now?
It's an interesting theory
I hope you didn't hurt yourself
coming up with that one, all-star
I just, I mean, I still can't believe
that you wanted to marry her
I mean, you really...
You are a confused
and... and demented soul
It's... It's very upsetting to me,
You know, as your brother
Oh, me?
Confused?
Hey, listen, pal, I'm not the fool who's gonna let his new bride
go enjoy a wonderful honeymoon in Paris without him
What, do you think I don't want to go?
You know, she said she didn't want me there, so
what am I supposed to do?
Well
you want to get married without a best man?
Pay the price, pal
By the way
Remember, it's six hours ahead over there
Sorry
Yeah
Ahem
Why don't we give this to the bartender, huh?
It's gonna get nippy out there, boys
And this is probably gonna be
our last fishing trip of the season
Franny, sit down a minute, will you?
I want to talk to you kids
You know
Seeing as we're all sitting here,
crying in our beers while our women are out living their lives,
I
I got to think that maybe
I got to apologize to you guys
for all the rotten advice I've been giving you
Don't be so hard on yourself
You don't have to apologize to us
Yeah, I do
I did it to both of you, though
Look at you You're a fucking mess,
and I'm partly responsible
I don't even know what to tell you
First time in my life I'm at a loss for words
What do you think's gonna happen between you and Mom now?
I don't know
We had a down cycle
We just couldn't get out of it
I told you
It happens
Hey
Enough of this horse shit
Come on We gonna go fishing or what?
You know, this isn't gonna be so bad, boys
Long as we got each other,
we'll do fine
Deirdre, are you coming?
I don't think I'm gonna make it today, Dad
Why the hell not?
Because Hope's going to Paris tomorrow,
and I'm going to go with her
All right Well, can't make it fishing,
maybe you can help us load up the gear
Hey
Hi
What are you, uh
What are you doing here?
I don't know really
Your dad called to invite me fishing
Yeah? What about, uh
what about Paris?
What about Paris?
You, uh, you still think you want to go alone?
Mick, come on
I didn't come to Brooklyn this morning
to go fishing with your father
Frank: You see, Hope?
All these years he's been ignoring my advice
Now he's finally wising up
Frank: Come on, Mickey, get your ass in the boat!
Give me a hand
Hey, Mr. Fitz, don't you think I should drive?
I think maybe we should take this
one step at a time, honey
[Tom Petty Song Begins]
(music) Some days are diamonds (music)
(music) Some days are rocks (music)
(music) Some doors are open (music)
(music) Some roads are blocked (music)
(music) Sundowns are golden (music)
(music) Then fade away (music)
(music) And if I never do nothin' (music)
(music) I'm coming back someday (music)
(music) 'Cause you got (music)
(music) A heart so big (music)
(music) It could crush this town (music)
(music) And I can't hold out forever (music)
(music) Even walls fall down (music)
(music) All around your island (music)
(music) There's a barricade (music)
(music) Keeps out the danger (music)
(music) Close out the pain (music)
(music) And sometimes you're happy (music)
(music) And sometimes you cry (music)
(music) Half of me is ocean (music)
(music) Half of me is sky (music)
(music) But you got (music)
(music) A heart so big (music)
(music) It could crush this town (music)
(music) And I can't hold out forever (music)
(music) Even walls fall down (music)
[Harmonica Solo]
(music) Some things are over (music)
(music) Some things go on (music)
(music) Part of me you carry (music)
(music) Part of me is gone (music)
(music) But you got (music)
(music) A heart so big (music)
(music) It could crush this town (music)
(music) And I can't hold out forever (music)
(music) Even walls fall down (music)
(music) You got (music)
(music) A heart so big (music)
(music) It could crush this town (music)
(music) And I can't hold out forever (music)
(music) Even walls fall down (music)
[Music Ends]
[Another Tom Petty Song Begins Playing]
(music) I hope you never (music)
(music) Fall in love (music)
(music) Hope you never get (music)
(music) Your heart broken (music)
(music) I hope you never (music)
(music) Fall in love with (music)
(music) Somebody like you (music)
(music) And I wish you well (music)
(music) I wish you (music)
(music) Everything (music)
(music) And more (music)
(music) Forgive my ignorance (music)
(music) I was starting to ramble (music)
(music) On and on (music)
(music) Starting to ramble (music)
(music) On and on (music)
(music) I hope you never (music)
(music) Give a damn (music)
(music) Hope you never get (music)
(music) Your heart broken (music)
(music) I hope you never (music)
(music) Fall in love with (music)
(music) Somebody like you (music)
(music) I hope you never (music)
(music) Fall in love with (music)
(music) Somebody like you (music)
{{{the end}}}